you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
