News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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