My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
