im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
