forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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