When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
