My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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