Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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