Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
