I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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