My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
