I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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