For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
