Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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