If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
