I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
