i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
