This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
