planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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