Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
