i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
