I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
