I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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