I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
is that a dick in a sweater?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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