The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
there is glitter all over my balls
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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