So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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