but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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