Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
