she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Randomize
