And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he shaved USA in his pubs
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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