I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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