I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
