she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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