i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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