Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
