hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
