the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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