I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
