M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
