new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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