I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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