the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
