He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
