Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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