I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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