what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
