My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
