Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
