Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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