just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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