You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
