He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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