i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
