Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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