I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
