he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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